I was thirteen when my Dad died. I'm 23 now and he's dead. I smoke because I know that it will eventually kill me and the last time I got laid I almost caught something. Once a day, I remember to water my plants and feed my fish. I've never had a room-mate because I don't believe in companionship and I've always dreamt of going to India. I try not to burn my toast or my coffee in the morning and when I have guests, I buy candles. I have a blue light in my bedroom and I always send a Valentine card to my current ex-girlfriend. I love sleeping because it heals me and I only drink water during the month of July. On my birthday, I buy myself a fish and when it's raining outside, I stay at home and pretend I'm a bus. I lost my virginity and patience when I was 17. I don't own a TV or a phone because they make me feel paranoid. My name is Lucas and I'm 26 now.

I like pasta and I always remember to take out the rubbish. I hate talking about myself, but do it for vanity's sake and if I have one wish, I wouldn't know what it would be. I never read the papers because they depress me and I try not to think too much because it gives me a headache. When I get stoned, I think about my father, my present situation and my gas bills. I have a brother and a sister and a really good guitar. When I'm depressed, I pretend I'm Jimmy Hendrix and when I'm happy I lick my wrists I've never committed suicide or to one person and I only drink beer when I'm angry.

My name is Lucas Gladstone and I don't talk in my sleep. You can't call me because I don't own a phone. I love custard pies and I bate my mother.

My father died when I was 13. I'm 41 now and I don't care any more.

Betty Shanghai